Andrea is one of my best friends in the entire world. We have gone through the good and the bad with each other. She put up with me and my shenanigans more than any person I know. In many ways she was a moral compass for me in my wilder years. She has since moved far, far away to attend seminary school. Andrea recently married, and by most accords is doing very well. I am happy for her. by request here are a few of her favorite stories.*(note andrea deserves a bad ass fake name but no one does her real justice other than xena, so we will stick with andrea.)
Andrea was once engaged to a very different fellow, we will call him Acehardware. Reason being he was such a big tool, he could have owned all of the Ace hardware stores. I do not like him.
As a favor to andrea, I agreed to move in with AceHardware and be his roommate. A big selling point was the fact it was exactly 45 feet from the bar. I counted. Rent was also 100$ a month. Yes the apartment was kind of a shithole but who did not have a shitty apartment in college? really?! I also figured I would see andrea more often, and that is never a downside. AceHardware at the time got wrapped up in a pyramid scam. HE thought this venture would make him enough money to buy his own island in the Caribbean. Acehardware currently works as a teller at a gas station. He also has a college degree in business, from a very prestigious college. I don’t get him. It is also important to note that Ace*(yes I shortened it)* proposed to andrea after 3 dates or so, she agree’d just because things were going well and she wanted to see where things would go.
To paint a visual picture of this man I will tell you this he was average height and probably about 450 lbs, had a heart condition rarely exercised but if you needed an opinion on star treck, a comic book, DND, magic the gathering, star wars or anything pertaining to fantasy or science fiction he is a very credible source. Ace tried to pray upon my drunkenness to get me to join his pyramid scam one night. The state I lived in if you saved your empty cans or bottles, and then returned them, you would get 5 cents for every can/bottle you returned. I was broke so I saved them. I had about 18 empty six packs of beer which I stacked into a massive pyramid and explained this is the organization you are involved with. this you in it*(points to very bottom bottle) and this is where I would be.*(points to floor)* I will never be bellow you. He huffed off, and my other room mate rolled on the floor crying laughing.
Andrea had a really weird female room mate named jesushatesme. She was a strict baptist, and had no social skills at all. She was quite creepy and would watch andre undress in the morning before she went to the shower/class. jesushatesme also had an infinity to piss off every person who she comes in contact with. I legitimately gave her more patients/shot than any person I have ever had to deal with in my life. To paint a visual picture think of a 19 year old girl who has no regard for personal health and dresses like your grandmother. Okay, sorry for the scaring. I personally know 4 year olds who are more mature and tolerant than jesushatesme, no joke. Eventually I made a sport of how much I can offended/piss her off. Even andrea, who is by means one of the sweetest human beings in the world joined in on my sport. I disliked her so much I started a comic book called super bitch. The Main charracter was completely based off her. What… I was an art major.
This all was great fun at her expense. So one day her only friend, Goldenchoirgirl, decided to take her security bunny? and hang it with her belt in her closet. *(warning no living bunnies were hurt in this prank)* I think this is kind of creepy, cruel and just odd really on a personal note. So jesushatesme immediately blamed me. Andrea defended me and told her I did not do such a thing, if I had I would have been there to see her reaction and take pictures. *(very true..)* so she loses it and flies off the handle and throws the belt used to hang her stuffed bunny at andrea. *(not cool)* later she learns that goldenchoirgirl was the culprit. They quit talking for 2-3 weeks, and andrea and I never got an apology. To this day andrea will still talks about the traumatic incident in which she survived a belt being thrown at her. So I thought I would give her some vindication and love.
Andrea and her mother are incredibly random and lovely individuals. Andrea had experienced some health issues, so Andrea’s mom came to visit/take care of her from Ohio. At the time I love New York was a very popular tv show. Every sunday night we would all get together and would sit around and watch this horribly bad tv show, while I drank about a 6 packs worth of lienkugle’s berryweise. The usual jokes inferred comparing new york*(trashy skank)* to my x-g/f. *(really pick one?) As one would infer I toned things down a bit. Andrea’s mom was there and she is my best friend. I don’t want to cause any bad blood. Then… IT happened… Andrea’s mom was throwing more zingers and jokes at me than any person in the room. So the beers got slammed the jokes were told and I think for an evening andrea forgot about all the horrible things troubling her at the time. I can’t really remember such a joyous time where me being made fun of was actually such a good healing agent. In later days Andrea’s mom and I became close friends and we all planned lunch dates till she left. I can legitimately say I was sad to see her go. You all should be so lucky to ever run into her.
In the summer, Andrea had to go back to ohio, so her room mates and I decided to go swimming. This really doesn’t sound that stupid, but it was about 9 at night and we decided to go swimming in the schools water fountain. Yes the kind you throw pennies in and make a wish, yes. One of my x-g/f distracted the security guards while we all went and got are swim on in the fountain. We took pictures and sent them to her to cheer her up. I am pretty sure we all contracted some type of disease from the endeavor but the humor made it worth while.
