What happens in fight club, never stays in fight club.
My freshman year of college Salsa and I were hanging out and bonding. We had just recently become well aquatinted friends. For a little back history the first time I met this kid he was rocking a razor scooter, a red hat that read dork, a red t-shirt stating may gusta salsa, and plaid pants. This is why he will always be salsa. (side note, I also relayed this part of the story at my minor speech in his wedding) A group of us met outside our dorms and started playing ultimate frisby. he seemed alright but we were not realy good friends yet. Ultimate frisby, is essentially a very lame version of football with a frisby.
I was in a band, a shitty one at that. Salsa started dating the lead singer of said band and the band went to hell. She really treated him like shit and fucked him over, we became good friends in the process. At the time, I was being a bit of a slut. I am okay with it. It happens. I had started dating a girl whose name really isn’t important, and after a week or so I dumped her. She wanted me to quit drinking, smoking and playing poker. This will never happen, well minus the smoking. I quit that a year or so ago! Go me!
In fairness to the girl, and this blog I will admit I ended that relationship the worst way I ever have with any female. I would be remorseful if i did not find it so hilarious. It was apparent that this relationship needed to end, she kept calling me immature and stupid. At the time I didn’t own a car, I had a huffy. So I rode my huffy to the skate park to go off some sweet jumps. This proves that I am very mature and awesome. Probably, just the opposite but in my head I was awesome. I then rode to her building where she was on her cell phone sitting out side. I did a power slide on my bike with my back wheel stopping right infront of her. She said oh… hey dear.. very surprised. I paniced! I saw a newspaper on the sidewalk next to me. I said the first thing I could think of:” this just in. *picked up the paper and threw it at her. It hit her in the forehead.* you’re out and biked off. Later that night I was hammered with some friends and she called me asking if I dumped her, I asked her why she is calling me? I dumped you weeks ago. I am an asshole. she started crying, I hung up and kept drinking. She is now married, to a guy with no spine. I am serious. I was not invited to her wedding but some friends of mine were. I made it into the toast speech at the dinner, implying I was the worst person she had ever dated. I am also amused by this.
Well Salsa started dating her, he came home with me over turkey break and we instantly bonded on how evil this women is. I convinced him to dump her. He did! He got incredibly drunk. So much in fact he wasn’t sure which end of his cell phone was receiver and which was the listener. So he is lying on the floor screaming her name telling her its over with almost a lisp. It was hilarious. I was unfortunately sober because I was the DD but to this day it was amazing to watch. Afterwards he drank even more, and had an elicited relationship with a huge stuffed lizard. IT was hilarious. This is how we became best friends. He later puked in a trash bag in my parents car I was driving, that’s friendship.
One night after downing a bottle of rum, which never agree’s with me by the way, we decided to watch fight club. I had never seen this glorious film, and it so inspired me later. We kept slamming beers and about 4 in the morning we decided to have our own fight club. So we went outside of the dorms and started a fistfight with each other. I was doing damn well. Salsa is considerably bigger than me, and I am what people like to call tall and lanky. About what felt a half hour in, there comes a point in the a fight where you know if you land this punch the fight is over. Salsa had the same feeling and are fists collided in mid air breaking my hand. True Story! Salsa is the designated champ in the fist fight department. I’ll give him a run for his money thou :P
At this point a Resident Advisor or RA comes running out to split up the fight, and is tempted to “write us up” he is shocked to learn we are friends and are in very good spirits. We explain we were just fucking around. He lets us go if we promise to go to bed. So we go in to Salsa’s dorm start another movie and pass out on his rediculously comfy sofa. Which He acquired for free from poor girl we both horrendously broke up with. I miss that sofa. I wonder what happened to it? Regardless, I have a broken hand.
At this point in my life I had just started dating X1.0 (read previous post for explanation). I tell her of our stupidity and why my hand hurts so much, she laughs and tells me to go to the doctor. I refuse, I do not want to admit to a doctor the reason my hand is broken is because I was drunk and watched fight club. Her and her mother try desperately to convince me to go, and I never went. I am rather sure it healed incorrectly and can show you to this day at least a fracture it has caused. Side note , whenever there is huge weather changes my hand hurts a bit. I am an idiot! This leads to what we like to call Bush hurdles.
A few days later at the same spot I fought Salsa is a huge drop off and these bushes that were at least 6 ft tall. Completely sober, we think it is a great idea to run and jump over the bushes. I failed almost every time and got stuck in the bush. Salsa however on the last try was successful and badly screwed up his shins and hurt his knee. There was blood, it was hilarious. We are now even . I decided I don’t want to jump this bush anymore and so we happily went off to the cafeteria and got dinner.
The end
