In college, I had a very close friend named “salsa”. He was my partner in crime for a few years. He since has matured and gotten married to a very nice women. This is one of are wilder stories. Regardless, at the ripe old age of 19, Salsa and I decided to get a bottle of UV Red Vodka and mix it with code red mountain dew. Before you go out and do this, let me save you the trouble and just tell you to go out and buy cherry cough syrup. Also if you have never had UV vodka let me describe it for you. This beverage is so horrible, that it could have only been made from Satan’s urine. It has about the same consistency and value, but yet as a broke new adventuring alcoholics, which I like to call College Sophomores. This too seemed to be a wonderful Idea.
After finishing this bottle and a few beers we decided to walk to the bar. This was originally a good idea. my girl friend at the time tagged along as well, and for whatever reason we all brought bottle rockets and fire crackers on the walk. On the way to the bar you haft to cross over a bridge and underneath is what we like to call the cedar river. Before crossing, I really had to piss. I mean race horse bad piss so I walked down to the edge of the river and decided to have a peeing contest to see how far and how high I could get my urine. Salsa jumped in naturally and my girl friend looked over and laughed and cheered us on. *( side not the girl I was dating at the time instigated most of our shenanigans)* Then the wind blew in our direction. I was covered in my own piss, and probably some of salsa’s and NO ONE NOTICED! SERIOUSLY! So I shrugged it off, and we kept our trek.
At this point Salsa saw a bunch of Geese nesting in the river and started shouting at them rediculous things. It was like he was challenging them to a fight, little did I realize where this night was headed. At this juncture the girl I was dating (we will Just Call her X1.0 for time sake) whips out the bottle rockets and we have ourselves a battle of epic perportions, someone was leaving and it was apparant that these geese had stolen are home land in our drunkin hazze. We were going to take it back.
Before I can really register what happened 5-6 bottle rockets go flying at these geese. This is also important to realize, there is another bridge adjacent to the one we were walking on made for Motor vehicles while ours is made for walking. At this direct moment 3 patrol cop cars crossed this said bridge right as the fire works flew. We Ran like hell. The cops came are way looking for us, but quickly gave up deciding to looking for drunks instead. If they only knew.. seriously. At this juncture we start walking up a gravel road and come across a pontoon boat. While I objected to boarding it, I did it anyways and posed for many ridiculous pictures.
Salsa and X1.0 have not given up on this fight against these bastard geese. I am drunk, I am happy. I am excited of the prospect of more booze, more friends, and going home with X1.0 at the end of the evening. No, the war wages on we board the boat and now I am into this and start firing more and more fireworks at theses geese until they all leave covering the bridge we must walk home on completely in shit. While the cops have now found some pore soul who was dumb enough to drive home after having a beer or two.
I see the cops and freak out at first, and then realize we are fine. I slam my lighter to the ground to make a large banging noise and we head to the bar. At the bar I do not remember anything that happened, But I have been told that I relayed this story to many people and was questioned about my interesting stains all night. I slammed down some Whiskey and made my way home with Salsa and X1.0 .
Me and Salsa have a history of jumping of shit when drunk, and tonight was no different. I made the dumb mistake of jumping off a rock and sliding on the geese shit on the bridge on the way home. I am now covered in urine and shit. Everyone laughs at me. I am no longer happy. X1.0 helps me up, and gives me a smile. I am happy again. We continue home and I tell everyone I love them. We arrive at a stop sign, I am immediately disgusted with its horrible placement and design. I now throw a rock at said sign and it bounce back and hits me in the leg. Salsa laughs so hard he pisses himself, and X1.0 is crying laughing. We say are good buys and X1.0 takes me home and takes care of me.
The next day we were so hungover I did not leave my bed till 4 in the afternoon and then me and salsa watched the packer game with a few friends and played poker. I hate the packers, but it was nice recovery day. As I said, I do dumb things.
