I Do Dumb Things

srsly:

I CAN’T EVEN FIND THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY RAGE AT THIS LUBELESS ASS-FUCKING RIGHT NOW

Andrea is one of my best friends in the entire world.  We have gone through the good and the bad with each other.  She put up with me and my shenanigans more than any person I know.  In many ways she was a moral compass for me in my wilder years.  She has since moved far, far away to attend seminary school.  Andrea recently married, and by most accords is doing very well. I am happy for her.  by request here are a few of her favorite stories.*(note andrea deserves a bad ass fake name but no one does her real justice other than xena, so we will stick with andrea.)

Andrea was once engaged to a very different fellow,  we will call him Acehardware.  Reason being he was such a big tool, he could have owned all of the Ace hardware stores.  I do not like him.

As a favor to andrea, I agreed to move in with AceHardware and be his roommate.  A big selling point was the fact it was exactly 45 feet from the bar.  I counted.  Rent was also 100$ a month.  Yes the apartment was kind of a shithole but who did not have a shitty apartment in college? really?!  I also figured I would see andrea more often, and that is never a downside.  AceHardware at the time got wrapped up in a pyramid scam.  HE thought this venture would make him enough money to buy his own island in the Caribbean. Acehardware currently works as a teller at a gas station.  He also has a college degree in business, from a very prestigious college.   I don’t get him.  It is also important to note that Ace*(yes I shortened it)* proposed to andrea after 3 dates or so, she agree’d just because things were going well and she wanted to see where things would go.

To paint a visual picture of this man I will tell you this he was average height and probably about 450 lbs, had a heart condition rarely exercised but if you needed an opinion on star treck, a comic book, DND, magic the gathering, star wars or anything pertaining to fantasy or science fiction he is a very credible source.  Ace tried to pray upon my drunkenness to get me to join his pyramid scam one night.  The state I lived in if you saved your empty cans or bottles, and then returned them, you would get  5 cents for every can/bottle you returned.  I was broke so I saved them.  I had about 18 empty six packs of beer which I stacked into a massive pyramid and explained this is the organization you are involved with. this you in it*(points to very bottom bottle) and this is where I would be.*(points to floor)*  I will never be bellow you.  He huffed off, and my other room mate rolled on the floor crying laughing.

Andrea had a really weird female room mate named jesushatesme.  She was a strict baptist, and had no social skills at all.  She was quite creepy and would watch andre undress in the morning before she went to the shower/class.  jesushatesme also had an infinity to piss off every person who she comes in contact with.  I legitimately gave her more patients/shot than any person I have ever had to deal with in my life.  To paint a visual picture think of a 19 year old girl who has no regard for personal health and dresses like your grandmother.  Okay, sorry for the scaring.  I personally know 4 year olds who are more mature and tolerant than jesushatesme, no joke.  Eventually I made a sport of how much I can offended/piss her off.  Even andrea, who is by means one of the sweetest human beings in the world joined in on my sport. I disliked her so much I started a comic book called super bitch.  The Main charracter was completely based off her.  What… I was an art major.

This all was great fun at her expense.  So one day her only friend, Goldenchoirgirl, decided to take her security bunny?  and hang it with her belt in her closet. *(warning no living bunnies were hurt in this prank)* I think this is kind of creepy, cruel and just odd really on a personal note.  So jesushatesme immediately blamed me.  Andrea defended me and told her I did not do such a thing, if I had I would have been there to see her reaction and take pictures. *(very true..)*  so she loses it and flies off the handle and throws the belt used to hang her stuffed bunny at andrea. *(not cool)*  later she learns that goldenchoirgirl was the culprit.  They quit talking for 2-3 weeks, and andrea and I never got an apology.  To this day andrea will still talks about the traumatic incident in which she survived a belt being thrown at her.  So I thought I would give her some vindication and love.

Andrea and her mother are incredibly random and lovely individuals.  Andrea had experienced some health issues, so Andrea’s mom came to visit/take care of her from Ohio.  At the time I love New York was a very popular tv show.  Every sunday night we would all get together  and would sit around and watch this horribly bad tv show, while I drank about a 6 packs worth of lienkugle’s berryweise.  The usual jokes inferred comparing new york*(trashy skank)* to my x-g/f. *(really pick one?)  As one would infer I toned things down a bit.  Andrea’s mom was there and she is my best friend. I don’t want to cause any bad blood.  Then… IT happened… Andrea’s mom was throwing more zingers and jokes at me than any person in the room.  So the beers got slammed the jokes were told and I think for an evening andrea forgot about all the horrible things troubling her at the time.  I can’t really remember such a joyous time where me being made fun of was actually such a good healing agent.  In later days Andrea’s mom and I  became close friends and we all planned lunch dates till she left.  I can legitimately say I was sad to see her go.  You all should be so lucky to ever run into her.

In the summer,  Andrea had to go back to ohio, so her room mates and I decided to go swimming.  This really doesn’t sound that stupid, but it was about 9 at night and we decided to go swimming in the schools water fountain.  Yes the kind you throw pennies in and make a wish, yes.  One of my x-g/f distracted the security guards while we all went and got are swim on in the fountain.  We took pictures and sent them to her to cheer her up.  I am pretty sure we all contracted some type of disease from the endeavor but the humor made it worth while.

I have spent a good part of my life living in the great city of New York.  I will always have an indescribable love for this place, which is odd because generally looking back it was by far the hardest years of my life.  Absolutely nothing went the way I had envisioned it.  I will say I feel like I can accomplish/ do anything now.  I highly recommend every person lives there at some point in their life.

When I went to college in ______ , it was so small I laid down in the middle of the road/ roundabout one night and passed out  till 6 in the morning where I was awoken  by the sun, not a car. I got up and walked home.  I was somewhat lucky, but there was literally nothing in the town so one could get away with this.   In New York City, especially Manhattan one cannot get away with such a feet.

I met a guy who we will call “manic” because he had to have been bipolar looking back on the whole situation.  We went to the Bleeker Bar on Bleeker Street. If you know New York City, this is almost SoHo but not quite. They had a deal 64 ounces of Yuengling beer for 5 $ after a few of these and retelling the tale above, manic did not believe me.  So on are treacherous walk home there was an abandoned empty road next to a hospital off of 13^th street & around first and Second Avenue. I laid down in the street long enough for one to take a picture of this stupidity, this some how gave legitimacy to my story and no one in New York ever questioned my stupid stories ever again.  Sanity level is a different story.

A few weeks later, I met a friend who relocated to New York as well. He went to my college and knew me, we weren’t friends at the time.  He was very up tight and reserve and I was well… not… so “homeboy” and I became friends and started hanging out a lot.  To this day homeboy and I make phone dates and talk regularly.  You really can’t ask for a better friend in the world.  When I first met homeboy we were working at a tv station together doing local news, I was running the camera.  Homeboy asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up? I responded, “I am going to be a rock star!” he never forgot that.

So one of these nights we went to the legendary Aerline’s Grocery Store.  It is a venue hall in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. There they had this new sensation called rock and roll karaoke.  Rock and Roll Karaoke is just what it sounds, there is a live band you have 140 songs they know and you get to be the lead singer of a band for that song. Their homeboy and his female friend who shall remain nameless signed me up to perform rebel yell with out telling me.  I was shortly pulled on to stage as the song started and given the mic.  I have years of practice of making a fool of myself on a stage.  At the young age of 7 I did a stand up comedy act on a cruise ship.  It was horrible and my mother loves to play the tape for people I am dating.  So I have no lack of confidence.  I also love this song and have performed it more times than one should, I eventually got the entire crowd jumping/singing along and at one point I even stage dove.  Yes! IT happened.  Homeboy was speechless.  I am by no means a good singer, but I am not a bad one either.  So this set the stage for future hang outs here and an on going competition between me and homeboy.  We eventually came up with the ludicrous Idea of having a drinking contest between us.  The loser had to get the words my little pony tattoo’d right about where your belt would be, ride around union square on a bike in an american flag thong, nothing else and get their belly button pierced.  Thankfully this contest never happened.

Thursday night I went out with my old roommate, and close friend DnD.  I don’t remember the evening but I did wake up with these various things in my pocket.  If it is your’se I am more than happy to return them.  Also if you know what happened I would love to know.

6 dollars in singles, Floss, Poker chips, a bottle opener, 2 phone numbers and what appears to be a zip code,  a napkin, a coaster, eye liner, 26 cents in change, some rediculos dice contraption, glitter, and a starbucks card.

I am keeping the starbucks card.

What happens in fight club, never stays in fight club.

My freshman year of college Salsa and I were hanging out and bonding.  We had just recently become well aquatinted friends.  For a little back history the first time I met this kid he was rocking a razor scooter, a red hat that read dork, a red t-shirt stating may gusta salsa, and plaid pants.  This is why he will always be salsa. (side note, I also relayed this part of the story at my minor speech in his wedding) A group of us met outside our dorms and started playing ultimate frisby.  he seemed alright but we were not realy good friends yet. Ultimate frisby, is essentially a very lame version of football with a frisby.

I was in a band, a shitty one at that. Salsa started dating the lead singer of said band and the band went to hell.  She really treated him like shit and fucked him over, we became good friends in the process.  At the time, I was being a bit of a slut.  I am okay with it.  It happens.  I had started dating a girl whose name really isn’t important, and after a week or so I dumped her.  She wanted me to quit drinking, smoking and playing poker.  This will never happen, well minus the smoking.  I quit that a year or so ago! Go me!

In fairness to the girl, and this blog I will admit I ended that relationship the worst way I ever have with any female. I would be remorseful if i did not find it so hilarious. It was apparent that this relationship needed to end, she kept calling me immature and stupid.  At the time I didn’t own a car, I had a huffy.  So I rode my huffy to the skate park to go off some sweet jumps.  This proves that I am very mature and awesome.  Probably, just the opposite but in my head I was awesome.  I then rode to her building where she was on her cell phone sitting out side.  I did a power slide on my bike with my back wheel stopping right infront of her.  She said oh… hey dear.. very surprised.  I paniced! I saw a newspaper on the sidewalk next to me.  I said the first thing I could think of:” this just in. *picked up the paper and threw it at her.  It hit her in the forehead.*  you’re out and biked off.  Later that night I was hammered with some friends and she called me asking if I dumped her, I asked her why she is calling me? I dumped you weeks ago.  I am an asshole.  she started crying, I hung up and kept drinking.  She is now married, to a guy with no spine.  I am serious.  I was not invited to her wedding but some friends of mine were.  I made it into the toast speech at the dinner, implying I was the worst person she had ever dated.  I am also amused by this.

Well Salsa started dating her, he came home with me over turkey break and we instantly bonded on how evil this women is.  I convinced him to dump her.  He did!  He got incredibly drunk.  So much in fact he wasn’t sure which end of his cell phone was receiver and which was the listener. So he is lying on the floor screaming her name telling her its over with almost a lisp.  It was hilarious. I was unfortunately sober because I was the DD but to this day it was amazing to watch.  Afterwards he drank even more, and had an elicited relationship with a huge stuffed lizard.  IT was hilarious.  This is how we became best friends.  He later puked in a trash bag in my parents car I was driving, that’s friendship.

One night after downing a bottle of rum, which never agree’s with me by the way, we decided to watch fight club.  I had never seen this glorious film, and it so inspired me later.  We kept slamming beers and about 4 in the morning we decided to have our own fight club.  So we went outside of the dorms and started a fistfight with each other.   I was doing damn well.  Salsa is considerably bigger than me, and I am what people like to call tall and lanky.  About what felt a half hour in, there comes a point in the a fight where you know if you land this punch the fight is over.  Salsa had the same feeling and are fists collided in mid air breaking my hand.  True Story!  Salsa is the designated champ in the fist fight department.  I’ll give him a run for his money thou :P

At this point a Resident Advisor or RA comes running out to split up the fight, and is tempted to “write us up” he is shocked to learn we are friends and  are in very good spirits. We explain we were just fucking around.  He lets us go if we promise to go to bed.   So we go in to Salsa’s dorm start another movie and pass out on his rediculously comfy sofa.  Which He acquired for free from poor girl we both horrendously broke up with.  I miss that sofa. I wonder what happened to it?  Regardless, I have a broken hand.

At this point in my life I had just started dating X1.0 (read previous post for explanation).  I tell her of our stupidity and why my hand hurts so much, she laughs and tells me to go to the doctor.  I refuse, I do not want to admit to a doctor the reason my hand is broken is because I was drunk and watched fight club.  Her and her mother try desperately to convince me to go, and I never went.  I am rather sure it healed incorrectly and can show you to this day at least a fracture it has caused.  Side note , whenever there is huge weather changes my hand hurts a bit.  I am an idiot!  This leads to what we like to call Bush hurdles.

A few days later at the same spot I fought Salsa is a huge drop off and these bushes that were at least 6 ft tall.  Completely sober, we think it is a great idea to run and jump over the bushes.  I failed almost every time and got stuck in the bush.  Salsa however on the last try was successful and badly screwed up his shins and hurt his knee.  There was blood, it was hilarious.  We are now even .  I decided I don’t want to jump this bush anymore and so we happily went off to the cafeteria and got dinner.

The end

In college, I had a very close friend named “salsa”.  He was my partner in crime for a few years.  He since has matured and gotten married to a very nice women.  This is one of are wilder stories.  Regardless, at the ripe old age of 19,  Salsa and I decided to get a bottle of UV Red Vodka and mix it with code red mountain dew.  Before you go out and do this, let me save you the trouble and just tell you to go out and buy cherry cough syrup.  Also if you have never had UV vodka let me describe it for you.  This beverage is so horrible, that it could have only been made from Satan’s urine.  It has about the same consistency and value, but yet as a broke new adventuring alcoholics, which I like to call College Sophomores.  This too seemed to be a wonderful Idea.

After finishing this bottle and a few beers we decided to walk to the bar.  This was originally a good idea.  my girl friend at the time tagged along as well, and for whatever reason we all brought bottle rockets and fire crackers on the walk.  On the way to the bar you haft to cross over a bridge and underneath is what we like to call the cedar river.  Before crossing, I really had to piss.  I mean race horse bad piss so I walked down to the edge of the river and decided to have a peeing contest  to see how far and how high I could get my urine.  Salsa jumped in naturally and my girl friend looked over and laughed and cheered us on. *( side not the girl I was dating at the time instigated most of our shenanigans)*  Then the wind blew in our direction.  I was covered in my own piss, and probably some of salsa’s and NO ONE NOTICED! SERIOUSLY!  So I shrugged it off, and we kept our trek.

At this point Salsa saw a bunch of Geese nesting in the river and started shouting at them rediculous things.  It was like he was challenging them to a fight, little did I realize where this night was headed.  At this juncture the girl I was dating (we will Just Call her X1.0 for time sake)  whips out the bottle rockets and we have ourselves a battle of epic perportions, someone was leaving and it was apparant that these geese had stolen are home land in our drunkin hazze.  We were going to take it back. 

Before I can really register what happened 5-6 bottle rockets go flying at these geese.  This is also important to realize, there is another bridge adjacent to the one we were walking on made for Motor vehicles while ours is made for walking.  At this direct moment 3 patrol cop cars crossed this said bridge right as the fire works flew.  We Ran like hell.  The cops came are way looking for us, but quickly gave up  deciding to looking for drunks instead.  If they only knew.. seriously.  At this juncture we start walking up a gravel road and come across a pontoon boat.  While I objected to boarding it, I did it anyways and posed for many ridiculous pictures.

Salsa and X1.0 have not given up on this fight against these bastard geese.  I am drunk, I am happy.  I am excited of the prospect of more booze, more friends, and going home with X1.0 at the end of the evening.  No, the war wages on we board the boat and now I am into this and start firing more and more fireworks at theses geese until they all leave covering the bridge we must walk home on completely in shit.  While the cops have now found some pore soul who was dumb enough to drive home after having a beer or two. 

I see the cops and freak out at first, and then realize we are fine. I slam my lighter to the ground to make a large banging noise and we head to the bar.  At the bar I do not remember anything that happened, But I have been told that I relayed this story to many people and was questioned about my interesting stains all night.  I slammed down some Whiskey and made my way home with Salsa and X1.0 . 

Me and Salsa have a history of jumping of shit when drunk, and tonight was no different.  I made the dumb mistake of jumping off a rock and sliding on the geese shit on the bridge on the way home.  I am now covered in urine and shit. Everyone laughs at me.  I am no longer happy. X1.0 helps me up, and gives me a smile.  I am happy again.  We continue home and I tell everyone I love them.  We arrive at a stop sign, I am immediately disgusted with its horrible placement and design.  I now throw a rock at said sign and it bounce back and hits me in the leg.  Salsa laughs so hard he pisses himself, and X1.0 is crying laughing.  We say are good buys and  X1.0 takes me home and takes care of me.

The next day we were so hungover I did not leave my bed till 4 in the afternoon and then me and salsa watched the packer game with a few friends and played poker.  I hate the packers, but it was nice recovery day.  As I said, I do dumb things.

Let me first off say I actually am a very bright guy; I just have a habit of being involved in doing incredibly dumb things.  As a strait male in my 20’s I think most men can relate to this.   It all started my freshman year of high school; I was trying to impress some girls. (who does that) I was never popular, I wasn’t a loser either, I was just one of the people that people seemed to glance over at first.

I wanted this to change. So I slowly came out of my shell and into my own.  It all started when at lunch there was a mt.dew vending machine. I had a sever caffeine addiction and I decide lets just see how many mt.dew’s I can drink in an hour.   Suddenly I was the center of attention, people were buying me mt.dew just to see how many I could with stand. I was the center of attention, I was happy.  27 later, I was hating my life, sitting in the bathroom. I was no longer happy.  This is what I call the start of the craziest times of my life.  All because I was curious and wanted attention, I now found away to do it.  My God Father told me, I quote. ” you are only young so long, but you can be immature forever”.  I plan on proving him right.